Danny's Football Bluff

October 28, 2013

October 28th 2013

People say that when a club is bought out by a billionaire it loses its soul. This myth was absolutely busted last night when the two richest clubs in England played last night. Chelsea v Manchester City, Russian billionaires v Arab billionaires. Or if you will James Bond villains v Jack Ryan villains. These two clubs are hated by football purists by buying their success, however last night they showed how friendly they can be, with Chelsea making it easier for their opponents by only having shots on goal from offside positions. Manchester City were not to be outdone though, and thought it only fair that their goalkeeper Joe Hart should run halfway across the field so Fernando Torres could score the winner in injury time. What great sports. Chelsea 2-1 Manchester City

The weekend’s big game in Australia was the Sydney derby, played to a packed house on Saturday night. Sydney FC showing the great defensive acumen that manager Frank Farina is known for, as their centre backs stood completely still for Shinji Ono to score the opener. It brought back great memories of when Farina lead the Socceroos to an inspiring 3-0 thumping by Uruguay to end our World Cup dreams. Sydney FC 0-2 Western Sydney Wanderers

It wasn’t the only big derby played over the weekend, Sunderland beat Newcastle in a victory for animal rights everywhere. Last time these two rivals played the big story was an angry Newcastle fan punched a horse in the face. Reports that after this 2-1 defeat some ducks were molested have gone unconfirmed…

The Glasgow Derby used to be one of the biggest matches on the football calendar. However since the death of Rangers FC in 2012 there hasn’t been one, until last night, and it was a classic. A lot of people didn’t think that Celtic v Partick Thistle would reach the heights of the old Celtic v Rangers matches but they were wrong! Celtic triumphed 2-1 in an epic battle for bragging rights! Firhill Stadium’s home support was silenced by Amido Balde’s 75th minute strike. Although that was because one of the home support had gone to the toilet but the other five were pretty gobsmacked.

Goal of the week is the winner from the El Clasico on Saturday night. I was trying to write about this match but really it was too good to make jokes about. I love these matches. Apologies about the quality of the video, any decent ones are geoblocked or some other computer term I don’t understand.

September 23, 2013

September 23rd, 2013

The Manchester Derby is now one of the greatest spectacles in world football, up until the last few years the only interest was how much would United win by? These days though now that City have enough money to make Scrooge McDuck look like he should be selling the Big Issue, it’s usually a great spectacle. Last night I went in to the Charles Dickens Hotel in Melbourne to take in the big match. Now I don’t mind United, my Uncle Ron supports them and watching Dwight Yorke dominate in the late 90s is one my most enduring memories of my teens. However as I learned more about the English game I came to realize they can be a shower of wankers at times. City on the other hand, you can’t help but feel sorry for, until you realize they have simply bought all their recent success. These factors usually end up with me being a neutral observer in the City v United games. Last night however there was one youngish Red Devils fan who decided an hour before the match was the right time to start singing United songs at the top of his voice. He carried on for 30 minutes, despite nobody else in the pub joining in. He’s determination to continue would have been impressive if it wasn’t so completely irritating. He also only knew three songs, which he did on rotation. I would go far as to say this lad was a typical Manchester United fan, as in he is steadfast in his love for the side, and has never visited Manchester in his life.

I left to watch the game at home, praying hard for City to thump their rivals so that dickhead would have a bad night. My prayers were answered! City smashed them 4-1. United’s tactics seemed to be allow City to hold possession then hope they find it in their hearts not to score a goal.

The other big derby last night was in Rome with AS Roma defeating Lazio 2-0. Francesco Totti, who has been at Roma since Julius Caesar granted him eternal life in 50bc, managed to draw a penalty in the 81st minute.

Sunderland have sacked their coach Paolo DiCanio. As was mentioned last week, DiCanio is proper mental. On Saturday after Sunderland were defeated by West Bromwich Albion 3-0, DiCanio approached his own fans offering to fight them. He will now spend his days writing angry emails to newspapers about the fluoridisation of water.

Socceroo Robbie Kruse scored twice for Bayer Leverkusen in the Bundesliga. He is looking very likely to join Australia’s World Cup squad for Brazil next year. He is apparently looking forward to spending some quality time on the bench.

Goal of the Week –

April 2, 2013

April 2nd 2013

It’s been a long Easter Weekend. With all the family commitments, chocolate consuming and Melbourne International Comedy Festival tickets you’ve been booking [hint] you probably missed a fair chunk of all the football news that happened. Good thing I’m here.

Firstly, you will have heard that the Socceroos played out a draw against Oman in Sydney. This has the tabloids screaming blue murder that Australia might not reach the World Cup Finals in Brazil. Everyone take a deep breath… and flick yourself in the eyeball for listening to the tabloids. We’re fine, we have three matches to play, and we are favourites to win in two of them. The other teams in our group only have two matches left so we’re pretty safe. If you want to panic about something just consider that Tony Abbott is very likely going to be Prime Minister. Although you’re the one who reads the tabloids, so you probably think this is a good thing.

Western Sydney Wanderers took out the ‘Premiers Plate’ in their first season. This means that they finished the regular season on top of the ladder; this is a big deal because in every other major football league in the world [except USA] this means you are the champions! However we, like the Yanks enjoy big sudden-death events so we have a finals series. Purists may complain that it’s against tradition, but without the finals series we would never have the great Aussie tradition of the Central Coast Mariners choking!

Chelsea knocked Manchester United out of the FA Cup last night with a mind blowing performance by goalkeeper Petr Cech. Demba Ba put the London club in the lead pretty much by accident early in the second half *see goal of the week. Which means Ba should be starting for Chelsea when they take on Sunderland this Sunday. Could get awkward. Why?
Sunderland have just hired Paolo Di Canio as their manager. Paolo Di Canio is an Italian manager who is a self proclaimed Fascist. He has a tattoo of Benito Mussolini on his arm, and once gave the Nazi salute to his fans when he was playing for right-wing club Lazio. Already several Sunderland board members have stepped down because of the decision. The UK press have attacked DiCanio who went on to say the immortal line “I’m fascist, not racist, some of my best friends are black”. Di Canio is due to appear on The Bolt Report this Sunday.

Time for this week’s WHY YOU SHOULD SUPPORT this week’s comes from UK comedian Gordon Southern currently down under for the Comedy Festival season
WHY YOU SHOULD SUPPORT… LIVERPOOL
Liverpool is the best club in the world because I decided it was in 1977. I had just seen the European Cup with cheeky little Kevin Keegan and stern Kenny Daglish as I became ‘football aware” I had briefly flirted with the idea of supporting Manchester United as many of my school friends did (or West Ham our local team, but that didn’t seem exotic enough. I also liked Aston Villa for a while but that’s because I liked vanilla ice cream and had the two mixed up in my head.
I was not making clear, mature footballing decisions…Then Kenny Daglish came to our small own to be the celebrity at the opening of our new Asda superstore. He signed my Liverpool lampshade but also a Star Wars one that he didn’t have to sign as it was not Liverpool merchandise. That sealed the deal. That and their utter dominance of football for what seemed like forever
They’re a bit rubbish at the moment, and hard to love as their superstars tend to be dicks (Craig Bellamy, Luis Suarez…) but now my love is blind and unwavering. Not unconditional mind, this is a football team, not a dog or a child.

Gordon Southern is appearing at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Tix here – http://www.ticketmaster.com.au/search?tm_link=tm_homeA_header_search&user_input=Gordon+Southern+&q=Gordon+Southern+&search.x=85&search.y=20

And hey there’s my show happening too!
http://giggletix.com/MICF/danny-mcginlay-hypertonic.html

Goal of the Week

March 5, 2012

March 5th, 2012

There was a particularly ‘Old West’ feel to the Tyne-Ware Derby last night between Newcastle & Sunderland. The Black Cats took the lead in the first half when Mike WIlliamson threw Michael Turner to the ground as if he was trying to slide the Sunderland player right across the saloon bar and get his head to land in a spittoon. Nicklaus Bendtner, wearing a face mask reminiscent of the Lone Ranger, converted the penalty easily. Then the brawling continued, Stephane Sessegnon was sent off for elbowing Cheik Tiote and at this stage there had been more cards than shots on goal. The cavalry came for Newcastle in injury time when Shola Ameobi equalized. Leaving the agitated Sunderland team to ride off into the miserable overcast.

The bigger news to come out of England was the sacking of manager Andre Villas-Boas by Chelsea. Since 2007 when Jose Mourinho left in controversial circumstances the Blues have gone through five managers, including some of the greatest football minds on the planet. Luiz Felipe Scolari – a World Cup winner, Guus Hiddink – deadset legend, Carlo Ancelotti – two time Champions League winner who took Chelsea to the Premier League & FA Cup double two seasons ago, and Villas-Boas himself is the youngest manager to ever win the Europa League. Quite simply – Chelsea are going through the footballing elite so quickly they’re running out of people to hire and fire. And who would want the job? You’d need someone who is part evil genius and part delusional egomaniac – so naturally Mourinho once again is the favourite.

Speaking of delusional egomaniacs – Clive Palmer started his own football association last week, with rumours he would like to start a rival competition to the A-League. The situation was summed up perfectly by comedian Adam Rozenbach “I bet Gold Coast United win the premiership in the Gold Coast United Football League”
Follow Rozie on twitter – @arozenbachs

FIFA announced it will trial goal line technology at the Club World Cup in Japan this year, bringing the sport up to date with the late 20th century. Next they’ll be clamping down on players diving and high level corruption… these reforms are due to take place in late 2082.

If you’re feeling down about your team’s disappointing season, cheer up; at least you don’t support South African Side ‘Powerlines’ who were beaten 24-0 in the Nedbank Cup. The Powerlines manager was quoted as saying, “This is an embarrassing day, but at least we’re not owned by Clive Palmer”

Goal of the week –

February 20, 2012

Feb 20th, 2012

You read it here first! [Provided you didn’t read any other football media] Glasgow Rangers Football Club are in administration! The penniless club owe, amongst others, Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs over 9 million pounds in unpaid VAT and other taxes. Not to mention another possible 75 million pounds depending on the outcome of a court case due to be ruled on in the coming weeks. This has caused celebrations for supporters of rival clubs and a variety of emotions for the Rangers fans, from stoic resolve to blatant rage. On Saturday the Glasgow club played their first match since going into administration at home against Kilmarnock. The rallying cry from manager Ally McCoist was “We don’t do walking way”. This was proven false as the majority of fans left when Kilmarnock took a 1-0 lead in the first half.

Although not quite as bad as it was for Rangers, it was a pretty awful week for Arsenal. The North London giants were thrashed in the Champions League 4-0 by AC Milan, and then the Gunners were bundled out of the FA Cup by Sunderland. Manager Arsene Wenger has been told he will ‘never be sacked’ as coach, but since Arsenal’s most famous fan, Queen Elizabeth, is celebrating her diamond jubilee this year, she may wish to celebrate by the traditional way – by executing a few Frenchies. Stay tuned…

Keeping with royal football fans – Prince Charles this week revealed himself as a Burnley fan. This didn’t help the Championship side as they lost 1-0 to Reading, a team ironically nicknamed ‘The Royals’. Prince William is an Aston Villa fan, and Harry is an Arsenal fan, although he prefers rugby, like his father James Hewitt. It was a bad week for almost all the celeb owned teams in England. Delia Smith’s Norwich were defeated by Leicester; Elton John’s Watford lost on the weekend to Crystal Palace but Robbie Williams’ Port Vale enjoyed a 2-1 win over Gillingham.

Gold Coast United are seemingly at death’s door after their chairman Clive Palmer admitted he doesn’t even like soccer. Coach Miron Bleiberg has quit the club following internal turmoil. The high turnover rate of players is blamed mostly on Palmer who is a weapons grade dickhead, offering only one year contracts, timeshares and Dreamworld tickets as payment.

This happened a few weeks back but due to technological incompetence I can only publish it now – Chelsea misspelling their own website.

Goal of the week –

January 9, 2012

January 9th, 2012

The Football Bluff returns for 2012. The Christmas/New Year period offered up a plethora of stories, but here are the ones people will be talking about this week:

Melbourne Victory unveiled their new manager, Jim Magilton. Magilton’s last management position, at Queen’s Park Rangers, ended when the Northern Irishman allegedly headbutted one of his players during a halftime ‘chat’. Needless to say, Kevin Muscat has hailed the new manager as one of the true idealists of football.

Magilton’s first match will be against John Kosmina’s Adelaide United. Victoria Police have employed over a hundred more officers to keep the two management teams separate.

The weekend’s English football had a certain sense of déjà vu about it. Thierry Henry returned to Arsenal, Paul Scholes returned to Manchester United, and Manchester City returned to choking in derbies. The much touted clash between the two Manchester sides ended before half time with United dominating, although City captain Vincent Kompany suffered the harshest straight red card since Kewell against Ghana. Kompany tackled Nani, collecting the ball, however he used both feet which is technically illegal (to misquote the head Bureaucrat from Futurama, “The best kind of illegal”) and City paid the price.

It’s been a good month for Sunderland. Ever since new manager Martin O’Neill took the reins the Black Cats have only lost one match and claimed the scalp of Manchester City. It’s been so good that some fans are getting a bit handsy…

It’s been a bad month for Liverpool, dropping points against cellar dwellers Wigan and Blackburn, Stewart Downing being questioned by police over an assault and star player Luis Suarez being banned for eight matches for racially abusing Patrice Evra. Suarez claimed that ‘negro’ is not used derogatorily in Spanish. However, he could not explain the Nazi salute and burning cross he erected.

It seems David Beckham is staying in Los Angeles for another season. Beckham was expected to leave LA for French side PSG but the deal was halted when Beckham realised he’d have to memorise another letter.

Goal of the week [You’ve probably seen it, but it’s worth another look]

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