Danny's Football Bluff

October 28, 2013

October 28th 2013

People say that when a club is bought out by a billionaire it loses its soul. This myth was absolutely busted last night when the two richest clubs in England played last night. Chelsea v Manchester City, Russian billionaires v Arab billionaires. Or if you will James Bond villains v Jack Ryan villains. These two clubs are hated by football purists by buying their success, however last night they showed how friendly they can be, with Chelsea making it easier for their opponents by only having shots on goal from offside positions. Manchester City were not to be outdone though, and thought it only fair that their goalkeeper Joe Hart should run halfway across the field so Fernando Torres could score the winner in injury time. What great sports. Chelsea 2-1 Manchester City

The weekend’s big game in Australia was the Sydney derby, played to a packed house on Saturday night. Sydney FC showing the great defensive acumen that manager Frank Farina is known for, as their centre backs stood completely still for Shinji Ono to score the opener. It brought back great memories of when Farina lead the Socceroos to an inspiring 3-0 thumping by Uruguay to end our World Cup dreams. Sydney FC 0-2 Western Sydney Wanderers

It wasn’t the only big derby played over the weekend, Sunderland beat Newcastle in a victory for animal rights everywhere. Last time these two rivals played the big story was an angry Newcastle fan punched a horse in the face. Reports that after this 2-1 defeat some ducks were molested have gone unconfirmed…

The Glasgow Derby used to be one of the biggest matches on the football calendar. However since the death of Rangers FC in 2012 there hasn’t been one, until last night, and it was a classic. A lot of people didn’t think that Celtic v Partick Thistle would reach the heights of the old Celtic v Rangers matches but they were wrong! Celtic triumphed 2-1 in an epic battle for bragging rights! Firhill Stadium’s home support was silenced by Amido Balde’s 75th minute strike. Although that was because one of the home support had gone to the toilet but the other five were pretty gobsmacked.

Goal of the week is the winner from the El Clasico on Saturday night. I was trying to write about this match but really it was too good to make jokes about. I love these matches. Apologies about the quality of the video, any decent ones are geoblocked or some other computer term I don’t understand.

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April 30, 2012

I take a week off from writing about football and a cavalcade of shit goes down. Chelsea will meet Bayern Munich in the Champions League final after knocking out Barcelona and Real Madrid respectively, which resulted in the resignation of Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola. Then just to prove we do things differently in the Southern Hemisphere, Brisbane Roar win the A-League Grand Final with the most laughable “penalty” ever which results in Ange Postecoglou announcing he’s becoming the manager of Melbourne Victory.

Sydney FC have announced they have poached Graham Arnold as manager! The country’s second biggest club are expected to make an official announcement in the next couple of days. Arnold is best known for leading the Central Coast Mariners to two losing finals campaigns and his disastrous stint as Socceroos coach at the 2007 Asian Cup.

In a similar move, England look like they will sign Roy Hodgson as manager for the Euro 2012 finals campaign. Hodgson has managed more clubs than Tiger Woods and seems a perfect fit for the English side, as he has not won any silverware in over ten years.

One of football’s biggest and most famous rivalries possibly came to an end last night in Glasgow. Celtic and Rangers have been bitter enemies for over one hundred years, but with Rangers facing probable liquidation over the summer the old foes battled it out one last time. Celtic ran riot with an emphatic 3-0 win. Who will take Rangers mantle of Celtic’s biggest rivals? Aberdeen? Ross County? North Kilt-Town? Only time will tell and even less people will care.

Chelsea Captain John Terry will miss the Champions League final after receiving a red card in the semi final against Barcelona. Terry made the unprecedented move of apologising to the fans in the official match programme of last night’s win over QPR. Terry said “I’m big enough to man up when I make a mistake”. Good to see Terry is aware that intentionally kneeing an opponent from behind is a mistake, Now we just need to teach him about sleeping with teammates’ girlfriends and racism.

Reminder – City v United Tuesday morning Australia time. Should be a very exciting match, which means it probably won’t be.

Goal of the week – Luis Suarez v Norwich. [Not bad for a racist]

February 20, 2012

Feb 20th, 2012

You read it here first! [Provided you didn’t read any other football media] Glasgow Rangers Football Club are in administration! The penniless club owe, amongst others, Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs over 9 million pounds in unpaid VAT and other taxes. Not to mention another possible 75 million pounds depending on the outcome of a court case due to be ruled on in the coming weeks. This has caused celebrations for supporters of rival clubs and a variety of emotions for the Rangers fans, from stoic resolve to blatant rage. On Saturday the Glasgow club played their first match since going into administration at home against Kilmarnock. The rallying cry from manager Ally McCoist was “We don’t do walking way”. This was proven false as the majority of fans left when Kilmarnock took a 1-0 lead in the first half.

Although not quite as bad as it was for Rangers, it was a pretty awful week for Arsenal. The North London giants were thrashed in the Champions League 4-0 by AC Milan, and then the Gunners were bundled out of the FA Cup by Sunderland. Manager Arsene Wenger has been told he will ‘never be sacked’ as coach, but since Arsenal’s most famous fan, Queen Elizabeth, is celebrating her diamond jubilee this year, she may wish to celebrate by the traditional way – by executing a few Frenchies. Stay tuned…

Keeping with royal football fans – Prince Charles this week revealed himself as a Burnley fan. This didn’t help the Championship side as they lost 1-0 to Reading, a team ironically nicknamed ‘The Royals’. Prince William is an Aston Villa fan, and Harry is an Arsenal fan, although he prefers rugby, like his father James Hewitt. It was a bad week for almost all the celeb owned teams in England. Delia Smith’s Norwich were defeated by Leicester; Elton John’s Watford lost on the weekend to Crystal Palace but Robbie Williams’ Port Vale enjoyed a 2-1 win over Gillingham.

Gold Coast United are seemingly at death’s door after their chairman Clive Palmer admitted he doesn’t even like soccer. Coach Miron Bleiberg has quit the club following internal turmoil. The high turnover rate of players is blamed mostly on Palmer who is a weapons grade dickhead, offering only one year contracts, timeshares and Dreamworld tickets as payment.

This happened a few weeks back but due to technological incompetence I can only publish it now – Chelsea misspelling their own website.

Goal of the week –

February 6, 2012

February 6th 2012

Manchester United and Chelsea played out a classic 3-3 draw at Stamford bridge overnight. The Blues took a 3-0 lead just after half time, with Fernando Torres playing the unlikely role of competent footballer. However United were awarded two penalties, one fair, one harsh, and it seemed inevitable when they equalised with five minutes to go.

There are some relieved members of the London Police Force today after traditional rivals West Ham United and Millwall played out a relatively peaceful match. In 2009 fans clashed outside the stadium injuring 20 people. These fiery scenes were successfully avoided by only allowing a small number of Millwall fans to attend the match. Those lucky enough to get tickets had to stay inside a special cardboard fort and could only make noise when they were holding the ‘talking stick’.

Melbourne Victory and Heart played the final derby of the season to finally decide whose season was the bigger disappointment. Somehow they both lost.

Australia’s chances of playing football at this year’s Olympics took a dive with a 2-0 qualifying loss to Uzbekistan. The Olyroos struggled in the -12 degree conditions despite manager Aurelio Vidmar doing everything he could for the squad including hiring a personal chef for the trip. The downfall of this strategy was the that chef had been told to prepare the team for London cuisine so every meal was prawn sandwiches, curry chips and a side order of deep fried sadness.

Scottish Football could be about to be turned on its head with Glasgow Rangers on the brink of liquidation. In a nutshell – Rangers owner Craig Whyte has borrowed against the income of the next four years worth of seasons tickets meaning the club will have very limited income in the next few years. Combine this with a court case regarding an alleged tax scam which could cost the club over 50 million pounds, and things are bleak for the blue half of Glasgow. To add to their woes, Rangers were knocked out of the Scottish Cup by Dundee United last night. [There’s no joke here, I’m a Celtic fan so this is just a bit of schadenfreude I’m afraid.]

Goals of the week –
You may have seen this one on Fox Sports FC but reader Jeremy Dooley spotted it first!

here’s another one in case you already saw the previous one

November 28, 2011

November 28th, 2011

This week’s Football Bluff comes to you with a bit of a sore head. In the interests of transparency I should admit I am a Melbourne Victory fan, and in Europe my team is Celtic. This weekend I saw Victory win their first home match of the year (including Harry Kewell score his first goal), and combined with Celtic’s 5-0 demolition of St Mirren and Kilmarnock upsetting Rangers, there were a few beers had last night! However – onto the Bluff!

Interesting weekend in the EPL with six of the top eight teams dropping points. Alex Ferguson took his 1-1 draw with Newcastle in typical good grace, “It was an absolute travesty! I don’t think anyone in the ground apart from the assistant thought it was a penalty, but he then let the linesman overrule him! The problem is assistant referees are not full time, even if referees are. I could not understand the decision at all. It was a terrible decision, two years ago a decision like that cost us the league…” At this point the media backed away slowly and avoided eye contact. It is presumed that Ferguson is still on this tirade, Manchester United hopes he will have stopped in time for Wednesday’s Carling Cup clash with Crystal Palace.

American Samoa, the lowest ranked of the 204 members of FIFA, have won their first ever match defeating Tonga 2-1. This brings the Polynesian team’s goal difference in all matches to a much more respectable minus 272.

The Olyroos hopes of qualifying for London 2012 took a hit when they were held to a scoreless draw by Uzbekistan. Manager Aurelio Vidmar blamed a lack of finesse in front of goal, however the fact that the players were constantly stopping play to ask “No really, is soccer actually part of the Olympics now?” was more of a factor.

English/Nigerian winger Sone Aluko has broken new ground in the world of transfers. Aluko completed his transfer from Aberdeen to Rangers by paying his own transfer fee! The 22 year old forked out 150,000 pounds from his own pocket to help him make his dream move. In light of this cash-strapped Portsmouth have signed Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg and the Sultan of Brunei on the off chance they will make similar moves.

Goal of the week goes to Real Sociedad defender Inigo Martinez. Who has scored an amazing injury time winner from the half way line!

This is even more incredible due to the fact that this is the second time he’s done it this season! Martinez is famous in Spain for these sort of arsey goals, sadly the only time he’s done it at international level, he did it into his own goal!

November 21, 2011

November 21st 2011

Brisbane beat Newcastle Jets to equal the Australian record for an unbeaten streak by a club. Sound familiar? It should; apparently this was happening three weeks ago, for some reason they are breaking this record every bloody week. Who is this statistician who keeps stuffing up week after week? Regardless, let’s talk about some other records they’ve equalled – throughout their dominant streak they still only average attendances of 12,000 – matching the Melbourne Storm’s record of dominating a sport that their home town does not give a shit about.

 
A good weekend for Australians overseas, Scott McDonald scored both goals for Middlesbrough against Blackpool and Mark Schwarzer saved Fulham from defeat at Sunderland with an amazing injury time stoppage. Matt McKay started for Rangers in their nil all draw with St Johnstone but was substituted in the 64th minute when the Glasgow side’s fans realized that he had worn a green shirt whilst training with the Socceroos. Security has been placed outside his house.

 
A real Jekyll & Hyde week for Manchester City. They announced a record breaking loss of $309 million AUD for the last financial year, but then they set a new club record of fifteen wins in a row in the top flight. They had a record attendance at their match against Newcastle United, but there was a near riot when the stadium ran out of chips before half time. Yes this really happened.

 
Once again, Sepp Blatter proved himself to be the Prince Phillip of the football world when he stated that racism wasn’t an issue in football. This followed Bulgaria being fined 40,000 euro for racist chanting during a qualifier against England. The Bulgarian fans directed vile chants at England’s dark skinned players Ashley Cole, Ashley Young and Theo Walcott. Why they would chant racist things at these players when you can so easily bag Young for being inconsistent, Walcott for being lazy and Cole for his ex-wife’s horrible singing is beyond me.

 
In other football racism news, Bundesliga 2 side Rostock threw bananas at their opponents St Pauli’s dark skinned players, which leads to the question: WHO CAN AFFORD SO MANY BANANAS THEY CAN THROW THEM AWAY?? Not even Manchester City would be so lax with cash!

 
UEFA Champions League magazine held a poll with all their readers on which is the greatest moment in the history of the league. Despite the obvious blunder in omitting Scott McDonald’s 2007 injury time winner for Celtic against AC Milan, fans have chosen some great moments. The winner was this double save from Liverpool’s Jerzy Dudek in the 2005 final.

First save is amazing but I think the second is more a stuff up from Shevchenko than anything else. You can see all the other moments and vote for your fav here:
http://www.101greatgoals.com/uefa-announce-the-greatest-20-champions-league-moments/115470/
The highlights were limited to Champions League, otherwise this would have got 100% of the votes [NSFW]

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