Danny's Football Bluff

December 7, 2012

The last six months…

Hi everyone, I’m back from my honeymoon. It was great, thanks. Football related highlights were: Watching Celtic defeat Barcelona in a meth lab posing as an Irish Club in Cambridge; visiting the San Siro and watching Inter Milan completely outclass their opponents and still draw 2-2, and watching my beloved Celtic live at Paradise. [Never mind it was a dull 1-1 draw with St Johnstone]

So here’s what happened in the last six months – not in order.

Spain won Euro 2012. You probably knew that, if you didn’t then some of the following jokes aren’t going to make sense as they require a basic knowledge of football. You may have just forgotten it, which is understandable, as Spain can be quite dull sometimes.

Chelsea’s Champions League winning manager Robert DeMatteo was sacked for daring to lose two matches.
He was replaced by former Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez, who if it wasn’t for Nick Clegg would be the most hated man in Britain.

Fernando Torres remained rubbish
as did Andy Carroll

Melbourne Victory gained super manager Ange Postecoglou but lost Harry Kewell who went on to play for… as yet nobody.

Brighton & Hove Albion were voted Britain’s poshest fans! The Championship side immediately rubbished the notion, according to their butlers.

Liverpool poached Brendan Rogers from Swansea City, proving that the Reds can ruin even the most promising of Managers.

Rangers FC were liquidated and a new team has replaced them in the Scottish league 3rd division, creatively named “The Rangers”

Robin Van Persie left Arsenal for Manchester United. Arsenal owner Stan Kroenke was devastated at the loss and wouldn’t talk to reporters until after he had gone for a swim in his Scrooge McDuck style money-pool.

Alexandro Del Piero joined Sydney FC and has bravely led them to the bottom of the table. [However this is huge news in Italy, when I was at San Siro the knock off shops all had Sydney FC shirts!]

Emile Heskey, a constant underachiever in his native England, joined Newcastle Jets and promptly began scoring tons of goals, proving once and for all the the quality of the A-League coaching is obviously higher than the Premier League. I’m kidding of course, it’s a tribute to mining magnate and Jets’ owner Nathan Tinkler who looked at Heskey and saw something valuable whereas everyone else saw a pile of inert materials.

and that’s all you need to know, I’ll be back Monday with an update on the weekend’s football news written hastily from Melbourne Airport departure lounge. [Doing gigs in Brisbane next week dannymcginlay.com for details!]

April 2, 2012

2nd April 2012
The big rumour circulating the A-league at the moment is the possibility of Italian legend Gianfranco Zola being linked with the Melbourne Victory coaching position. It’s a bit of a trainwreck at Australia’s biggest club at the moment, caretaker manager Jim Magilton was allegedly told he had the position full time, however the board have done an about face and told him he must reapply for the job. Without a manager a football department cannot function, and yet the Victory are cutting players and negotiating contracts. The only logical conclusion is that Victory chairman Anthony Di Pietro is an Adelaide United fan who has gone deep undercover to bring the team down as revenge for the 07 & 09 Grand Finals.

Brisbane Roar’s Ange Postecoglou is another rumoured possibility for the Victory post. It would be far from his mind though as the Queensland team took a commanding lead in the Major Semi final against Central Coast. The Roar hold a 2-0 lead going into next Sunday’s second leg, the winner earning a week’s break by progressing straight to the Grand Final. Mariner’s coach Graham Arnold was at his narky best when he claimed that having that weekend’s break would hurt whichever team was unlucky enough to win the semi final.

The title of World’s Narkiest manager at the moment must be Manchester City’s Roberto Mancini, who claimed that if title rivals Manchester United win their next two matches they will win the English Premier League. City are collapsing like an Italian in the penalty box at the moment, winning only one of their past four league matches. The only logical conclusion? Someone high up at City is an Adelaide United fan who has gone deep undercover to make sure a red team wins the league.

An ongoing debate for football fans has been who has been the bigger waste of money Fernando Torres who Chelsea bought for 50 million pounds from Liverpool last year, or Andy Carroll, whom Liverpool paid 35 million of said 50 million for from Newcastle. Usually it’s said Torres, who has only scored four goals for the Blues. [That’s 12.5 million per goal] However here’s an argument for Carroll being the bigger waste – in what can only be described as the stupidest dive ever!

Then again, Carroll never missed this:

Goal of the week:

February 6, 2012

February 6th 2012

Manchester United and Chelsea played out a classic 3-3 draw at Stamford bridge overnight. The Blues took a 3-0 lead just after half time, with Fernando Torres playing the unlikely role of competent footballer. However United were awarded two penalties, one fair, one harsh, and it seemed inevitable when they equalised with five minutes to go.

There are some relieved members of the London Police Force today after traditional rivals West Ham United and Millwall played out a relatively peaceful match. In 2009 fans clashed outside the stadium injuring 20 people. These fiery scenes were successfully avoided by only allowing a small number of Millwall fans to attend the match. Those lucky enough to get tickets had to stay inside a special cardboard fort and could only make noise when they were holding the ‘talking stick’.

Melbourne Victory and Heart played the final derby of the season to finally decide whose season was the bigger disappointment. Somehow they both lost.

Australia’s chances of playing football at this year’s Olympics took a dive with a 2-0 qualifying loss to Uzbekistan. The Olyroos struggled in the -12 degree conditions despite manager Aurelio Vidmar doing everything he could for the squad including hiring a personal chef for the trip. The downfall of this strategy was the that chef had been told to prepare the team for London cuisine so every meal was prawn sandwiches, curry chips and a side order of deep fried sadness.

Scottish Football could be about to be turned on its head with Glasgow Rangers on the brink of liquidation. In a nutshell – Rangers owner Craig Whyte has borrowed against the income of the next four years worth of seasons tickets meaning the club will have very limited income in the next few years. Combine this with a court case regarding an alleged tax scam which could cost the club over 50 million pounds, and things are bleak for the blue half of Glasgow. To add to their woes, Rangers were knocked out of the Scottish Cup by Dundee United last night. [There’s no joke here, I’m a Celtic fan so this is just a bit of schadenfreude I’m afraid.]

Goals of the week –
You may have seen this one on Fox Sports FC but reader Jeremy Dooley spotted it first!

here’s another one in case you already saw the previous one

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