Danny's Football Bluff

October 14, 2013

October 14th

It was indeed a big weekend in Australian round ball events. It all kicked off on Saturday morning with France spanking the Socceroos 6-0. Now to defend our performance – let’s not forget France are one of the best teams in the world, and they have been underperforming so they were fired up. However, we were shithouse. Double Fronted McMansion in the heart of Caroline Springs shithouse. So we sacked Holger Osieck. It’s a shame, I liked Holger but the results had been a bit rubbish recently. We’re in a bad spot as a national team at the moment, our “Golden Generation” are all a bit too old but no kids are really stepping up to the plate either. So who is our next coach? According to rumours… it could be:

Guus Hiddink – The first answer all the amateur pundits gave. Mostly because, they don’t know anyone else. I don’t think it’ll happen, Guus is quite astute at choosing which teams he manages; he either chooses teams of great potential who will add to his mystical pathos or he chooses teams that will add to his bank balance. I don’t think the current Socceroos can do either of those.

Marcelo Bielsa – The Argentinean they call “El Loco” would be an ideal choice for the Australian media as he sort of looks like Holger Osieck so they could just re-use old photos. He’s a genuine personality so if he’s successful then Mad Marcelo’s Men become engrained in Australian Football history, and if he fails then at least he’ll implode in a way that leaves no survivors, which ultimately could be a good thing.

Robert Di Matteo – Won the Champions League with Chelsea two years back. He’s a frustrating manager: can be amazing, can be awful. Could be worth a punt but I can’t see him succeeding.

Graham Arnold – There’s a lot of calls for a local to be the coach. How the shopkeepers from The League of Gentlemen managed to become football pundits in this country I’ll never know. Graham Arnold has a brilliant knowledge of the way Australians play and has proven himself as a fantastic tactician during his time with the Central Coast Mariners. However when he managed the Socceroos in 2007 one thing was blatantly obvious – our national players don’t respect a local coach.

Ange Postecoglou – arguably the greatest manager the country has ever produced, but as a Victory fan I have to say BACK OFF!!! HE’S OURS!!

In other news the A-League began this week. This blogger took in the Melbourne Derby on Saturday night. It’s a really stupid idea putting the Derby in round one as teams are always dusty in the first game of the season. With Heart and Victory there are always big bragging rights at stake so both teams were more interested in not losing than they were in winning. A sell out crowd of over 45,000 people witnessed a very dull match. Hopefully some of them will come back sometime, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. You know a match is boring when the highlight was the ground announcer.

Goal of the Week

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December 7, 2012

The last six months…

Hi everyone, I’m back from my honeymoon. It was great, thanks. Football related highlights were: Watching Celtic defeat Barcelona in a meth lab posing as an Irish Club in Cambridge; visiting the San Siro and watching Inter Milan completely outclass their opponents and still draw 2-2, and watching my beloved Celtic live at Paradise. [Never mind it was a dull 1-1 draw with St Johnstone]

So here’s what happened in the last six months – not in order.

Spain won Euro 2012. You probably knew that, if you didn’t then some of the following jokes aren’t going to make sense as they require a basic knowledge of football. You may have just forgotten it, which is understandable, as Spain can be quite dull sometimes.

Chelsea’s Champions League winning manager Robert DeMatteo was sacked for daring to lose two matches.
He was replaced by former Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez, who if it wasn’t for Nick Clegg would be the most hated man in Britain.

Fernando Torres remained rubbish
as did Andy Carroll

Melbourne Victory gained super manager Ange Postecoglou but lost Harry Kewell who went on to play for… as yet nobody.

Brighton & Hove Albion were voted Britain’s poshest fans! The Championship side immediately rubbished the notion, according to their butlers.

Liverpool poached Brendan Rogers from Swansea City, proving that the Reds can ruin even the most promising of Managers.

Rangers FC were liquidated and a new team has replaced them in the Scottish league 3rd division, creatively named “The Rangers”

Robin Van Persie left Arsenal for Manchester United. Arsenal owner Stan Kroenke was devastated at the loss and wouldn’t talk to reporters until after he had gone for a swim in his Scrooge McDuck style money-pool.

Alexandro Del Piero joined Sydney FC and has bravely led them to the bottom of the table. [However this is huge news in Italy, when I was at San Siro the knock off shops all had Sydney FC shirts!]

Emile Heskey, a constant underachiever in his native England, joined Newcastle Jets and promptly began scoring tons of goals, proving once and for all the the quality of the A-League coaching is obviously higher than the Premier League. I’m kidding of course, it’s a tribute to mining magnate and Jets’ owner Nathan Tinkler who looked at Heskey and saw something valuable whereas everyone else saw a pile of inert materials.

and that’s all you need to know, I’ll be back Monday with an update on the weekend’s football news written hastily from Melbourne Airport departure lounge. [Doing gigs in Brisbane next week dannymcginlay.com for details!]

April 30, 2012

I take a week off from writing about football and a cavalcade of shit goes down. Chelsea will meet Bayern Munich in the Champions League final after knocking out Barcelona and Real Madrid respectively, which resulted in the resignation of Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola. Then just to prove we do things differently in the Southern Hemisphere, Brisbane Roar win the A-League Grand Final with the most laughable “penalty” ever which results in Ange Postecoglou announcing he’s becoming the manager of Melbourne Victory.

Sydney FC have announced they have poached Graham Arnold as manager! The country’s second biggest club are expected to make an official announcement in the next couple of days. Arnold is best known for leading the Central Coast Mariners to two losing finals campaigns and his disastrous stint as Socceroos coach at the 2007 Asian Cup.

In a similar move, England look like they will sign Roy Hodgson as manager for the Euro 2012 finals campaign. Hodgson has managed more clubs than Tiger Woods and seems a perfect fit for the English side, as he has not won any silverware in over ten years.

One of football’s biggest and most famous rivalries possibly came to an end last night in Glasgow. Celtic and Rangers have been bitter enemies for over one hundred years, but with Rangers facing probable liquidation over the summer the old foes battled it out one last time. Celtic ran riot with an emphatic 3-0 win. Who will take Rangers mantle of Celtic’s biggest rivals? Aberdeen? Ross County? North Kilt-Town? Only time will tell and even less people will care.

Chelsea Captain John Terry will miss the Champions League final after receiving a red card in the semi final against Barcelona. Terry made the unprecedented move of apologising to the fans in the official match programme of last night’s win over QPR. Terry said “I’m big enough to man up when I make a mistake”. Good to see Terry is aware that intentionally kneeing an opponent from behind is a mistake, Now we just need to teach him about sleeping with teammates’ girlfriends and racism.

Reminder – City v United Tuesday morning Australia time. Should be a very exciting match, which means it probably won’t be.

Goal of the week – Luis Suarez v Norwich. [Not bad for a racist]

April 2, 2012

2nd April 2012
The big rumour circulating the A-league at the moment is the possibility of Italian legend Gianfranco Zola being linked with the Melbourne Victory coaching position. It’s a bit of a trainwreck at Australia’s biggest club at the moment, caretaker manager Jim Magilton was allegedly told he had the position full time, however the board have done an about face and told him he must reapply for the job. Without a manager a football department cannot function, and yet the Victory are cutting players and negotiating contracts. The only logical conclusion is that Victory chairman Anthony Di Pietro is an Adelaide United fan who has gone deep undercover to bring the team down as revenge for the 07 & 09 Grand Finals.

Brisbane Roar’s Ange Postecoglou is another rumoured possibility for the Victory post. It would be far from his mind though as the Queensland team took a commanding lead in the Major Semi final against Central Coast. The Roar hold a 2-0 lead going into next Sunday’s second leg, the winner earning a week’s break by progressing straight to the Grand Final. Mariner’s coach Graham Arnold was at his narky best when he claimed that having that weekend’s break would hurt whichever team was unlucky enough to win the semi final.

The title of World’s Narkiest manager at the moment must be Manchester City’s Roberto Mancini, who claimed that if title rivals Manchester United win their next two matches they will win the English Premier League. City are collapsing like an Italian in the penalty box at the moment, winning only one of their past four league matches. The only logical conclusion? Someone high up at City is an Adelaide United fan who has gone deep undercover to make sure a red team wins the league.

An ongoing debate for football fans has been who has been the bigger waste of money Fernando Torres who Chelsea bought for 50 million pounds from Liverpool last year, or Andy Carroll, whom Liverpool paid 35 million of said 50 million for from Newcastle. Usually it’s said Torres, who has only scored four goals for the Blues. [That’s 12.5 million per goal] However here’s an argument for Carroll being the bigger waste – in what can only be described as the stupidest dive ever!

Then again, Carroll never missed this:

Goal of the week:

December 19, 2011

December 19th 2011

Adelaide United has replaced beleaguered coach Rini Coolen with their prodigal son John Kosmina. Club chairman Greg Griffin said Kosmina was perfect for the job as he is a “passionate South Australian”. The Reds will now presumably begin a new training regime in keeping with this ‘passionate South Australian’ campaign; running laps of the Veale Gardens, only drinking Farmer’s Union Iced Coffees and most importantly, not doing anything for eleven months of the year.

The round of sixteen draw for the UEFA Champions League happened on Friday. The most exciting encounter is easily AC Milan v Arsenal. Cypriot minnows Apoel Nicosia have been drawn against Lyon. The Europa round of thirty two has some exciting clashes as well with Manchester City taking on Porto and Manchester United meeting Ajax. However Salzburg v Metalist Kharkiv has failed to excite punters.

Manchester United may be reinstated to the Champions League due to a furore between UEFA and the Swiss FA. In a nutshell Swiss Club Sion illegally signed a player in 2009 which led to them having a transfer ban imposed on them which they dutifully ignored. This has escalated to the point where all Swiss clubs may be expelled from European competition, meaning FC Basel would forfeit their position in the last sixteen of the champion’s league, Basel’s spot could be taken by the next best team in their group, Manchester United. Confused? Fair enough, but are you interested enough to do more research? Yep, didn’t think so. Carry on.

Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli has allegedly has driven around Manchester dressed as Santa giving people twenty pound notes. Other rumours about the Italian star have included that he’s punched teammate Micah Richards at training, threw a dart at another teammate, is allergic to grass, set off fireworks in his toilet, paid 1000 pounds for a copy of the big issue and cannot sexually climax without yodelling. [I’ve made one of those up, you decide which one]

Brisbane Roar have lost their fourth match on the trot, confirming this blog’s theory that their unbeaten run was made with the aid of a soul-selling deal with Satan. The dark prince is now claiming his due and we expect Ange Postecoglou to slowly morph into some kind of donkey like creature over the rest of the season.

Goal of the week [51 seconds in]

Save of the week

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