Danny's Football Bluff

December 7, 2012

The last six months…

Hi everyone, I’m back from my honeymoon. It was great, thanks. Football related highlights were: Watching Celtic defeat Barcelona in a meth lab posing as an Irish Club in Cambridge; visiting the San Siro and watching Inter Milan completely outclass their opponents and still draw 2-2, and watching my beloved Celtic live at Paradise. [Never mind it was a dull 1-1 draw with St Johnstone]

So here’s what happened in the last six months – not in order.

Spain won Euro 2012. You probably knew that, if you didn’t then some of the following jokes aren’t going to make sense as they require a basic knowledge of football. You may have just forgotten it, which is understandable, as Spain can be quite dull sometimes.

Chelsea’s Champions League winning manager Robert DeMatteo was sacked for daring to lose two matches.
He was replaced by former Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez, who if it wasn’t for Nick Clegg would be the most hated man in Britain.

Fernando Torres remained rubbish
as did Andy Carroll

Melbourne Victory gained super manager Ange Postecoglou but lost Harry Kewell who went on to play for… as yet nobody.

Brighton & Hove Albion were voted Britain’s poshest fans! The Championship side immediately rubbished the notion, according to their butlers.

Liverpool poached Brendan Rogers from Swansea City, proving that the Reds can ruin even the most promising of Managers.

Rangers FC were liquidated and a new team has replaced them in the Scottish league 3rd division, creatively named “The Rangers”

Robin Van Persie left Arsenal for Manchester United. Arsenal owner Stan Kroenke was devastated at the loss and wouldn’t talk to reporters until after he had gone for a swim in his Scrooge McDuck style money-pool.

Alexandro Del Piero joined Sydney FC and has bravely led them to the bottom of the table. [However this is huge news in Italy, when I was at San Siro the knock off shops all had Sydney FC shirts!]

Emile Heskey, a constant underachiever in his native England, joined Newcastle Jets and promptly began scoring tons of goals, proving once and for all the the quality of the A-League coaching is obviously higher than the Premier League. I’m kidding of course, it’s a tribute to mining magnate and Jets’ owner Nathan Tinkler who looked at Heskey and saw something valuable whereas everyone else saw a pile of inert materials.

and that’s all you need to know, I’ll be back Monday with an update on the weekend’s football news written hastily from Melbourne Airport departure lounge. [Doing gigs in Brisbane next week dannymcginlay.com for details!]

April 16, 2012

April 16th, 2012

Two epic FA Cup Semi Finals were played at Wembley Stadium over the weekend. On Saturday Liverpool defeated their local rivals Everton. The meeting of the Merseyside teams is often referred to as “The Friendly Derby” due to the fact that fans can sit alongside each other without incident. This was taken to a whole new level on Saturday when Jamie Carragher kicked the ball into opponent Tim Cahill which gave Nikica Jelavic an open goal. The Blues returned the favour in the second half when Sylvain Distin politely crossed the ball to Luis Suarez, who slotted home the equaliser. Suarez immediately sterilized his foot because the ball had been touched by a black man. The winner was headed home by Andy Carroll in the 87th minute after missing three easy shots on goal, making his 35 million pound price tag still nowhere near worth it.

The Reds will meet Chelsea in the FA Cup final after the Blues demolished Tottenham Hotspur 5-1 in Sunday’s Semi Final. Chelsea were so completely dominant they were scoring goals without the ball even crossing the white line. Juan Mata kicked the ball into a ‘clutch of prone bodies’ [exact wording from the Guardian so apparently this baffling selection of words is accurate] and the referee, who did not have a clear view of the action, claimed it as a goal. Cue the inevitable call for goal line technology from the wronged club and complete silence from FIFA.

There was shock in the A-League when the Newcastle Jet’s owners handedtheir club’s licence back to the FFA. The FFA responding with a very clear “no givsies backsies!” and running away. Jets owner Nathan Tinkler was much maligned this week and what little sympathy is left for the mining magnate should dry up with Craig Foster supporting Tinkler in his newspaper column yesterday. This is the death knell for any logical person to support a cause in Australian Football.

In the other, less interesting competition that’s happening in Australian Soccer at the moment, the A-League Finals, Perth Glory upset the Central Coast Mariners in the preliminary final. Setting up a Grand Final between Brisbane and Perth, the A-League’s oldest clubs. Brisbane Roar began life as Hollandia Inala Soccer Club in 1957 and Perth Glory began in 1996 as Not The Eagles Or The Dockers So Who Gives A Fuck Wogball Club.

There’s excitement that Manchester City may snatch the English Premier League. But it’s misguided. They won’t. United have this wrapped up.

Goal of the week –

April 2, 2012

2nd April 2012
The big rumour circulating the A-league at the moment is the possibility of Italian legend Gianfranco Zola being linked with the Melbourne Victory coaching position. It’s a bit of a trainwreck at Australia’s biggest club at the moment, caretaker manager Jim Magilton was allegedly told he had the position full time, however the board have done an about face and told him he must reapply for the job. Without a manager a football department cannot function, and yet the Victory are cutting players and negotiating contracts. The only logical conclusion is that Victory chairman Anthony Di Pietro is an Adelaide United fan who has gone deep undercover to bring the team down as revenge for the 07 & 09 Grand Finals.

Brisbane Roar’s Ange Postecoglou is another rumoured possibility for the Victory post. It would be far from his mind though as the Queensland team took a commanding lead in the Major Semi final against Central Coast. The Roar hold a 2-0 lead going into next Sunday’s second leg, the winner earning a week’s break by progressing straight to the Grand Final. Mariner’s coach Graham Arnold was at his narky best when he claimed that having that weekend’s break would hurt whichever team was unlucky enough to win the semi final.

The title of World’s Narkiest manager at the moment must be Manchester City’s Roberto Mancini, who claimed that if title rivals Manchester United win their next two matches they will win the English Premier League. City are collapsing like an Italian in the penalty box at the moment, winning only one of their past four league matches. The only logical conclusion? Someone high up at City is an Adelaide United fan who has gone deep undercover to make sure a red team wins the league.

An ongoing debate for football fans has been who has been the bigger waste of money Fernando Torres who Chelsea bought for 50 million pounds from Liverpool last year, or Andy Carroll, whom Liverpool paid 35 million of said 50 million for from Newcastle. Usually it’s said Torres, who has only scored four goals for the Blues. [That’s 12.5 million per goal] However here’s an argument for Carroll being the bigger waste – in what can only be described as the stupidest dive ever!

Then again, Carroll never missed this:

Goal of the week:

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